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Homeland Security...
Operator: "Thank
you for calling Pizza Palace. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to
order."
Operator: "May I
have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number,
yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank
you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone
number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and
your cell number's 266-2566. And, it looks like you're calling from home, is
that correct, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? Yeah, I'm at home.
Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're
wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd
like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't
think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir,
your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and
extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such
an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you
recommend, then?"
Operator: "You
might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd
like something like that?"
Operator: "Well,
you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week,
sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right.
Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That
should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as
you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit
card number."
Operator: "I'm
sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance
is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM
and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That
won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send
the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're
running a little behind, it'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry
you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying
pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know
I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says
here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your
Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd
advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction
for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will
there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah,
don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the
pizzas."
Operator: "I'm
sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda
to diabetics."
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