Heaven or Hell?
While walking down the street one day, George Bush drops
dead of a massive coronary. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before
you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom know what to do with a
Republican in these parts, and this goes double for you."
"No problem - just let me in. I'm a believer,"
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from
the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in
Heaven. Then you can choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that Peter escorts George to an elevator and he goes down, down, down,
all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush
golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky, and the temperature is a
perfect 72 degrees.
In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front
of it is his dad, and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over
the years... Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Ken Lay, Jerry Falwell... The whole of the
"Right" was there... everyone laughing... happy... casually but
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the
good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and
peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink,
"Have a Margarita and relax, George!"
"Uh no, I can't drink no more, I took the
pledge," says Junior dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want
and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil,
who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls
hilarious, nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real
horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Georgie steps on
the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and
St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man
says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours George Bush is made to hang out with a
bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about
things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or
frat-boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes
great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people aren't super-rich, he
doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special.
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of
Jewish hippie with his endless "peace" and "do unto others"
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself,
"Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then,
you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose where you
want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background,
Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have
thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all, but I really
think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the
elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a
barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste... kind of
like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and
chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are
groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil come over and puts an arm around Bush's shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya,
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we
drank and ate caviar. I drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs,
"Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."